Faith Versus Doubt

Doubt is always lurking somewhere by the side of the road on my faith journey. Usually just as I think I'm making a leap forward in my devotion to Christianity, it jumps out from behind its hiding place and mugs me: "Not you again"! I sigh, "I thought I was done with you"!

It can be anything that sets it off – a non answer to prayer, a depressive mood where God can’t seem to get past my temporary numbness, a book on atheism that seems pretty persuasive . . .

In moments like that, sometimes I question if I’m even a proper Christian - I can’t speak in tongues and I don’t prophesy. If I’m having doubts too, what’s left? Someone once lent me, at just the crucial moment, a book by Philip Yancey, who writes about all these kinds of questions with brutal honesty. If he feels these things too then it must be ok, he’s definitely a proper Christian - he’s had a book published!

But sometimes the words of another human being aren’t quite enough, and then I stop and remember why I became Christian in the first place.

I never planned on it happening. I was bombing about my mid-twenties doing all the stuff that young adults do, but a school friend had become Christian a few years ago, and naturally myself and others were sceptical: “They’re RUINING their life!” we bitched, “they’re missing out on all the good stuff”! As a proper evangelical is supposed to, my school chum had been inviting me to carol concerts and Alpha launches (a course outlining the basics of Christianity) but I’d been pretty non-responsive. The carol concert had freaked me out with its super smiley Welcome Team (it’s just not normal to be that friendly), and for the rest of the events I’d cancelled at the last minute, preferring to spend my evenings in the pub or, on one occasion, curled up in bed after a mammoth 48 hours clubbing, shivering and trying to sleep instead.

But my gal pal had a sneaky trick up her sleeve – instead of inviting me to a church event, she invited me for a drink. Uh, yeah, of course I’ll go! Looking back, I’m slightly embarrassed that that’s what it took for me to actually commit to meeting up . . . but turn up I did, on her doorstep, waiting for instructions on what she had planned for the evening. And then she unveiled her genius move: “I just need to pop in to this church thing on the way, I said I’d help out, it will only take 40 minutes and then we’ll head off, is that ok”? Sure, fine, whatever.

Well, the church ‘thing’ was an Alpha launch, and by the end of the evening I’d signed up for the course. In my family, debating is king, and I had a vision of myself arguing all these silly Christians down until they admitted that I was right and they were WRONG WRONG WRONG! How could anyone believe this stuff in the modern world? What about evolution? What about dinosaurs? What about homosexuality? These nerds were going DOWN . . .

Eighteen months later (including two courses and many church trips) belief happened, and I realised that I too wanted to follow this way of living. It was one of the best days of my life, but it did not come easily. It wasn’t like I did the Alpha course and Hey Presto – faith! It was a gradual erosion of my prejudices and ideas that had held me back. People often say to me that the idea of there being an eternal, omnipotent Being is ridiculous, but I began to see that no matter what you believe, you’re dealing with some pretty crazy concepts . . . . Eternity, and Nothing, and Chaos, and Time. Even if you’re a full on atheist as I was, you’re still dealing with the idea that once there was just nothing, or complete chaos, and at some point a singularity occurred from that nothing and the universe expanded out - time and space, matter, cause and effect, and physical laws were all created. One day it will all contract and time will end, and what will exist then? Just nothing again perhaps, for all eternity. None of these theories are implausible, but neither are they LESS strange than the idea of there being an eternal creator outside of time, who caused that singularity, who said “Let There Be Light”, whereupon the big bang occurred and existence was set into motion.

The day that I believed, I looked around me at all the people talking, laughing, sulking, being, and it seemed obvious that there were individual souls inhabiting each body, that we were more than just flesh and chemical interactions in our brain. Have you ever looked at an infant, and you can see its personality - that there’s a distinct person in there, even though they can’t talk yet, or act out with particular behaviour? Christianity’s explanation of the world seems to make sense – that the world is fallen and this is not the way it was meant to be, but at the same time that humans are more than just animals, we have the divine spark within us – whatever it is that equals the human spirit. That the reason why we’re here is to find our way back to God and have a relationship with Him once more.

So I persevere.  When I have doubts I keep going - because I made this commitment, and if Christianity is about having a relationship with God, then faith is like a marriage. Sometimes it’s joyful, I’m flying, it’s so easy to believe and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Other times I wonder if I’ve done the right thing and might not want ‘a break’ or a trial separation. I feel like cheating on my faith, with Agnosticism, Humanism or Nihilism. But I remember why I made this commitment in the first place, it’s my anchor and I know I’m in the right place.

The anchor is Jesus . . .  . I’m ashamed to say that sometimes I struggle with talking about Jesus. It’s easier to talk in vague concepts about ‘God’ or ‘a supernatural being’. The word ‘Jesus’ is quite loaded – it has a lot of connotations, of children’s nativity plays, of the Bible Belt, of sandals and beards and school R.E lessons. But if you get past all the associations, Jesus is radical in a way that will change your life. He’s the person at the centre of a storm of misconceptions and church politics. Whenever I truly doubt, I turn to the gospels, and the man depicted there is SO real, so counter cultural, that I cannot help but believe in his truth. He hung out with the lowest of the low in society, the outcasts, the sinners, the ones who didn’t fit in. He hated judgement and was all about love. Love your neighbour. Love your enemies. His claims to be the Son of God are massive, but then if you start from the point of there being a God, no miracle or manipulation of the laws of nature are too big. People expected a mighty ruler, but instead he came to serve. He is someone you can trust, who will never shame you and wants to know you so much you wouldn’t believe it. But you should believe it. It’s worth persevering for.