I Miss Rollerskates and Why Praying Is Like Killing Mosquitoes.

When I was eight or nine I used to roller skate home after school. The journey covered field, road and quite a lot of bumpy pathway, so there were really only a couple of stretches of smooth pavement where I could actually skate as opposed to shuffle, but I loved being in skates so much that the driveway at home wasn't enough, the roller disco on Saturdays wasn't enough - I’d put up with the difficult bits on the way home just to get to wear them a bit more.

Oh happy days

 I was reminded of this in church yesterday, listening to a preach on the sense of wonder we have as children which can often get lost as we grow up. Children have an amazing ability to get excited about things. Their energy for something they love is astounding.

  

I love drawing and going to art galleries - it’s one of those activities that make me feel connected to the world and part of who God made me to be. But now I'm a grown up, I make a lot of excuses for not doing them.

On Saturday I spent the afternoon drawing for the first time in ages, but HELL if it wasn't difficult to make myself do so. I had my drawing materials laid out on the table. I had a new stash of coffee ready for multiple break times. I had a knitting project on a chair on one side of the room for when my attention span wandered and I wanted a change of activity, a book on another chair for if I got bored of the knitting, and some red wine ready to 'take the edge off' if it all got too much.

 It turned out I didn't need all that extra stuff  - once I got going five hours flew by in one of the most enjoyable afternoons I've had in ages, one in which I felt restored to myself in a way I hadn't felt for a while. But why on EARTH was it so difficult?

Why do I waste so much of my time, and find it so hard to do the things I actually really want to do?  Is it just me? 

SPOILER: It's not just me.

Paul has the same problem in Romans 7:

 "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. . . . .  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it".

I know. There are a lot of 'dos' in there. Try saying that paragraph ten times quickly.

The eagle-eyed among you may be thinking "Yes, but Paul was talking about sin. You are talking about doodling". 

To which I would say: They can be the same thing, my friend. Paul IS talking about sinning, that's true. But 'sinning' isn't limited to modern understandings of the word, like committing adultery, or getting drunk, or overdoing the chocolate Magnum ice creams. Sinning is every time we turn away from what God wants for us, to something no doubt inferior.

It's turning away from the homeless person in need of a sandwich, and missing out on the joy of giving.

It's being a workaholic because you get your value from status and how much you earn, instead of your character and relationship with God.

It's spending your evening watching crapola on TV instead of making something beautiful, because the truth is you're uncomfortable sat with your own thoughts without any distractions, and you're scared you're not good enough, and also you're a teensy bit lazy.

I love the argument given in church yesterday that children, with their sense of wonder and endless enthusiasm, are the ones who see the world correctly. Their condition is the correct one, and we should learn from their attitude. But how? 

(Incidentally, I've just remembered one of my favourite memories of the ease of childhood: we were on holiday somewhere hot, I was sharing a room with my sister right before our bedtime, and our dad was killing all the mosquitoes in the room for us before lights out. Every time we saw one we'd shout from the comfort of our beds "Dad! There's one!" and he would not stop until he killed them all for us. The BLISS of someone killing your mosquitoes for you).

I have a funny feeling that prayer helps, the only problem being that prayer is another one of those activities that I love and improves my life immeasurably, but I find hard to make myself do. 

I actually don't have a pithy answer here, apart from the advice to take baby steps, start small, build up from there, and if you're struggling to pray for yourself, ask people to pray for you. Get someone to kill your mosquitoes for you! 

The amazing thing about the church is that there's always someone to give you a hand.

And here's one I prepared earlier

*I had a couple of sick days last week, and since then fell behind on my Bible reading. I’ve now just about caught up and will be writing up my thoughts in a weekly round-up in the next few days.

 Images from surfdome.com and nationalgallery.co.uk