Prayer Part 1: The Problem With Prayer

Prayer is one of the bedrocks of being Christian. We’re advised in Scripture to take all our problems to God, and prayer acts as the main communication channel between us, making this relationship with Him an actual personal ‘thingy’.

But it’s really effing HARD sometimes.

Laziness is one of my fatal flaws. Right now as I type this, I’ve just consumed a batch of pancakes and am battling internally with myself as to whether I can be arsed to go to church this afternoon, or should stay and read my book like I really want to. I’ll enjoy church once I get there, but that whole getting dressed in proper outdoor clothing and making the long journey on public transport thing feels like way too much effort . . . . It’s the same with prayer.

In many ways, I find praying is a bit like writing my blog – self-centred. In this blog I know I should talk about current events and focus on issues other people can relate to, but I’m too caught up in whatever’s going on in my own preoccupied head at the time.

Ditto my prayer life. Occasionally, I’ll throw in a shout out to other people (or when I’m really stuck pray a vague, Miss Congeniality like request for, “World Peace or something”). But taken as a whole it’s all about me me me.

Here are some of my main issues with prayer:

Not Saying Rude Words:

I suspect this one is just me here, but when I first became Christian and started praying, I was a bit ‘star struck’ and overwhelmed by the thought that God was actually listening to what I was saying – THE God, people. The perfect, holy and sin free creator of the universe, listening to what I was about to say to Him. Ber-LIMEY, the pressure!

As I tried to pray a simple and selfless prayer my mind started going all traitor on me: ‘What’s the WORST thing I could think right now’ my back-stabbing inner monologue questioned. ‘What’s the most INAPPROPRIATE, filthy and downright naughty word you could say in your head right now’? ‘Cause whatever you do, DON’T THINK THAT!

Inevitably, those are exactly the words that started popping into my head just as I was in the presence of Jesus himself: “Argghhhhhh! Oh no, I can’t believe I just said that in front of God. Shit! Crap, I just swore again”! And on it would go, like being inflicted with Mental Tourettes Syndrome.

Of course, now I’m so cool and have gotten over the star struck panic, I’m like Hunter S Thompson partying with one of the rock gods he was sent to interview. Yeah, me and God – we’re like this (am doing the cross fingers thing, in case you need it spelling out. You don’t, right?).

Prayer Voice:

I don’t know what it is about praying out loud in church, but it seems to bring out this strange ‘prayer voice’ in many people, a kind of soft, melodic, slightly romantic way of speaking, suggesting “Yeah, I’m totally filled with the Holy Spirit right now, people, you can tell by my gentle and holy tone of voice”. ‘But you don’t normally speak that way’ you might find yourself thinking about said person, ‘In fact, you have a pretty strong Glaswegian accent in day to day life’. Doesn’t matter. The prayer voice can affect anyone.

I’d like to say I’m immune to such superficialities, but on occasion, when praying out loud in a group, I have been known to have the following inner dialogue: ‘Hmmmmm this prayer doesn’t seem to be going down that well. I’m not getting many murmurs of agreement and ‘Amens’ here. I’m losing them. Quick! Adopt prayer voice!’

I have a theory that it’s just really soothing, the way adults speak to babies when they want to comfort them or lull them to sleep. The vocal equivalent of a Victoria sponge cake. Or June Whitfield. But I have no scientific analysis to back this up. In fact, I just came up with this theory now.

'Praying Hands' by Albrecht Durer

Karaoke:

Man, seeing that microphone down the front makes me want SO BADLY to go forward with a ‘word from God’ and break into a belting rendition of ‘I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues” by Elton John. Captive audience, suckers!

Opening eyes too early in group prayer:

It’s in the title, folks. I often seem to finish up prayer mode a bit sooner than other people, and end up opening my eyes thinking we’re done whilst everyone else is still deep in communion with the Holy Spirit. This leads to closing them again, and regularly opening just one eye (still half praying, see?) to check out where we’re at spiritually, as a group. Also leads to carpet staring, and examining people’s facial expressions when they have their eyes closed.

Making a To-Do list:

One of the most common difficulties people experience when praying is being easily distracted. We’re all afflicted with the age old curse of monkey brain, our minds chattering away and resisting our commands to focus on one thing at a time.

One of the chief problems is that praying is sometimes a really handy exercise for reminding yourself of what you have to do that day: “Lord, I pray that you help my presentation to go really well – (MUST remember to pick up the memory stick for my presentation on my way to work). And I really pray that you bless my Mum and Dad and keep them safe on their travels (Need to sort out Skype as Dad will ask me about it when we next speak. But I can’t get it to work! I have TRIED. Urgh, I need to ask someone to help me. But who?? Thingy said she’d help me when we were on holiday, but I forgot to remind her before we left. So annoying. Maybe the work IT department can help? Must remember to ask them – I’d better write that down . . .  Sorry God. What was I saying??).

My prayer journal often resembles a To-Do list, containing boring stuff like ‘Ring HMRC’ in there just as much as spiritual truths.

Arguing with God about things that haven’t even happened yet:

I think this might be a female thing, as I know myself and several girlfriends have pulled the same shiz with past boyfriends – had complete arguments in our head about imagined slights and possible events that haven’t actually happened, but could happen. Maybe.

So it goes with God: “Hey God, I’m just walking along here and thought we could have a chat . . . . You know, catch up . . . Whatcha been up to? Running the world and stuff I suppose! I’m still just waiting to hear back about that job I applied for, trying to stay strong and trust in you. So you’re not going to let me down, are you? Hah, just kidding, I know that no matter what happens you’re still good and I’ll still give you praise. Just don’t put me to the test, ok? That would be really unfair. You’re going to put me to the test, aren’t you? You would totally deny me this job I really want and have worked SO hard for, just to test my faith, wouldn’t you? Well that is SO UNFAIR! I can’t believe you would do that to me! Why are you so mean to me? I can’t do this anymore! Urgh, I know I’m not supposed to think that way, I’m sorry, I take it back, You’re still good, I know, I know . . . . I just can’t believe you’d allow this to happen, ALL I ASK IS FOR THIS ONE THING AND YOU CAN’T EVEN GIVE ME THAT?!

Ooh! A phone call! It’s the job people, I totally got it! Hurrah! Thank you God, thank you thank you thank you! Sorry about that whole shouty thing before . . .”

We bitches be crazy.


So, those are my problems with prayer - are there any that I've missed? Or am I making it a lot more difficult than it should be?